Do You Have to Forgive to Heal?
Common wisdom tells us that when someone has hurt us, forgiving that person is the key to healing. Forgive and forget, right? Sometimes forgiveness comes easily, but especially in cases of trauma, you might feel like you’ll never be able to forgive the person who hurt you, and that’s okay. In this article we’ll discuss why genuine forgiveness can be beneficial and why forced forgiveness is harmful and unnecessary to your healing journey.
There is truth to the belief that forgiveness helps us heal from hurt and trauma. Authentic forgiveness, meaning forgiveness that is freely given when you feel ready, and given solely for your own healing and growth, can be beneficial. Moving from resentment to forgiveness can lower heart rate and blood pressure, reduce feelings of anxiety and stress, improve your relationships and well-being, and most importantly, help you feel like you’ve moved on.
If forgiveness is an important goal for you, that’s great! That being said, forgiveness is not necessary for healing. In fact, forced forgiveness is counterproductive and can even be harmful. There’s many reasons why you may feel pressured to forgive when you aren’t ready: many spiritual communities stress the moral importance of forgiveness, friends and family may socially pressure you to forgive and move on, or you may feel guilty or fearful for holding the resentment. Despite the pressure, it’s important to honor what feels true to you. Forcing forgiveness when you aren’t ready can lead to these harmful effects:
Emotional Suppression: Forcing the feelings down before they have settled naturally usually doesn’t lead to true healing; in fact, those feelings are likely to surge up in unexpected (and often worse) ways.
Invalidation: forced forgiveness can invalidate your hurt and trauma and even lead you to blame yourself for your feelings. It is normal to feel resentment and anger towards those who have hurt us. Forgiving the perpetrator when it doesn’t feel right to you invalidates your boundaries and autonomy to decide your actions and feelings.
Ignoring Other Priorities: Draining your energy by forcing yourself to feel forgiveness robs you of the opportunity to spend that energy in potentially more fruitful ways, such as developing self-forgiveness and compassion.
Ignoring the Impact: The goal of trauma recovery is not to forget the trauma but to decrease its impact on your everyday life and heal into a stronger person. Shutting down the process by forcing forgiveness can ignore the impact that the trauma had on you, thwarting the opportunity for processing and growth.
Forgiving the perpetrator of your pain is not a requirement for healing, despite the messages we may receive from the culture. If you do not want to forgive the perpetrator, there are still excellent goals to work towards, such as self-compassion, living in accordance with your values, processing the feelings of the painful event, and ultimately building a full life. If you are struggling with feelings of anger and resentment after trauma, you are not alone. An experienced trauma therapist at AWC can help you set and reach goals that feel authentic to you.
References
Inspired by an Instagram post by @igototherapy: https://www.instagram.com/p/C__Fq5qsAC_/?img_index=6
