What is People Pleasing, Actually?
“People pleasing” is one of those popular psychobabble terms you’ve probably heard online recently. While it’s completely normal and healthy to want to and try to please the people you care about, the term people pleasing refers to this behavior taken to an unhealthy extreme. Read on to learn about the characteristics of people pleasing, what may cause it, and how it can be addressed in counseling.
People pleasing is going above and beyond to help others at the expense of your own boundaries and values. Common experiences and feelings of people pleasers include:
Overcommitting to help others, attend events, take on work, excetera when you are already overwhelmed.
Apologizing excessively for minor mistakes or things that aren’t your fault out of worry that the other person will blame you.
Overworking beyond your abilities to gain recognition and approval.
Always saying “yes” out of worry that you will be rejected or disliked.
Feeling drained and resentful; feeling that your relationships are unequal.
Feeling exhausted and burnt out.
It’s important to recognize that there is a fine line between being genuinely kind and people pleasing. For all of us, it’s a wonderful and beneficial thing to sometimes inconvenience ourselves to help out a friend or get ahead at work. It’s also totally normal to do things like overly apologize and go out of your way to avoid conflicts that aren’t worth it or manage a difficult person. It’s when these behaviors become a pattern and are no longer done out of kindness but fear of disapproval that the behavior crosses the line into problematic people-pleasing.
People pleasing stems out of a fear of conflict or rejection and desire for approval. It is commonly seen in people who grew up in homes where love was conditional or who had to people-please to manage an abusive person in the past. The good news is that people pleasing can be unlearned and you can take back your time and boundaries. In counseling, your therapist can help you recognize and stop your patterns of people pleasing, set healthy boundaries, communicate better, and heal your self confidence. Your value is independent of what you can do for other people, your accomplishments, and even your appearance. Do you think you may be a people pleaser? If you’re ready to start your healing journey, let our experienced therapists at AWC guide you towards your ideal self.
References
Inspired by an Instagram post by @loverootstherapy: https://www.instagram.com/p/DAJRfOHql-6/?img_index=1
Inspired by an Instagram post by @igototherapy: https://www.instagram.com/p/C7PQLxOM4B4/?img_index=1
