6 Strategies to Improve Communication in Your Relationship
Talking to your partner should be the easiest part of your day, right? After all, this is the person you know best and who knows you best - it should be easy to understand each other. Unfortunately, what we think should come easily often takes active work even in the best of relationships. In fact, the strongest relationships are built on a foundation of good communication. You might notice obvious signs of poor communication in your relationship such as the silent treatment, but other signs can be more subtle: maybe you feel emotionally distant with your partner, resentful of them, or simply lonely in your relationship. Four clear warning signs of poor communication are:
Escalation: discussions start calm and end with one or both partners angry.
Invalidation: one or both partners accuses the other of not being truthful or otherwise denies, rejects or dismisses the others’ feelings.
Negative Interpretations: one or both partners interprets the others’ statements in a consistently negative light.
Withdrawal and Avoidance: in reaction to the ongoing conflict, one or both partners chooses to disengage with communication in part or entirely.
If you recognize one or more of these warning signs in your relationship, it’s time to examine how you are communicating. Every couple is different, but common communication issues tend to involve not fully listening, assuming the other already knows your thoughts/positions/feelings, becoming defensive, and centering the conversation on oneself inappropriately. Thankfully, communication can be improved with active work from both parties to monitor themselves during conversations and implementation of good communication techniques. Such techniques include:
Use “I” statements: Focus on expressing how you think and feel, not on the other persons’ actions or feelings. For example, try filling out this sentence: “I feel ___ when you ___.”
Summarize and repeat: summarize what your partner said in your own words and repeat it back to them, asking “Am I understanding you right?” This strategy helps check listening skills and creates the opportunity to correct misunderstandings.
Watch your tone and body language: Using a sharp tone and exhibiting negative body language like crossed arms and furrowed brows communicates hostility even if your words convey the opposite. Try to relax your face and body language and set an intention for your tone before approaching an important conversation.
Choose your timing wisely: Don’t attempt an important conversation after a long day when you’re feeling stressed, anxious, sad, tired, etc. Wait until a moment when both partners have the mental capacity for the exchange to give yourself the best chance at success.
Fix the issue, not the person: Big conversations have a tendency to balloon outward from a small grievance into increasingly larger issues. Set an intention for the talk and stick with it. If you notice the dialogue is drifting into bigger issues, draw it back to the original topic.
Review before responding: Take a second to process before responding to your partner. Try to affirm their perspective by thanking them for their input, affirm their right to their feelings even if you don’t agree, and ask questions to make sure the other person feels heard.
These strategies and more can make a world of difference to a relationship struggling with communication. If one or both the parties recognize the issue and have tried to improve communication by themselves, but are still not seeing changes, it may be time to involve a professional specializing in relationships and/or couples’ counseling. Here at AWC, our experienced therapists will help analyze communication breakdowns and create a custom plan for better communication in your relationship.
References
University of Waterloo. (2023, November 14). Effective communication: Barriers and strategies. Centre for Teaching Excellence. https://uwaterloo.ca/centre-for-teaching-excellence/catalogs/tip-sheets/effective-communication-barriers-and-strategies
